I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
