Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
