if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
