So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just gift wrapped bread.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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