In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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