I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
