I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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