I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
