Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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