Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
this hospital has no fireball
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
