I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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