yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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