just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
