I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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