I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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