I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
