He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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