I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
