The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
