You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
