New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
