btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
