I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Non-Jews are for practice
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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