dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
