Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
