I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
