I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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