I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
