I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
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