my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
