Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
