he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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