a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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