At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
