Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
