I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
