I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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