I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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