Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
