i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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