I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
They should really pass out barf bags in church
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
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