i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
