She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
