I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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