Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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