I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
