Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
