I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I stole a fireplace last night.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
