Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Randomize
