Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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