So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I just pynch a tree in the face
wakey wakey hands off snakey
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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