I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
